My first mistake was asking her how her day was. She started with yesterday morning.
“Yesterday, Britney woke up a little strange; you know, how, as a mother, you just know when they’re not being themselves. She’s usually such a happy kid. She didn’t eat well, and you know Britney -- she can eat. Just like her mother. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, you know? [I know what you’re thinking: too much detail; now you know how I felt]. Later, I think she started to pull on her ear. I had Steve take a look at her. He thought she seemed fine. But he doesn’t know her like I know her. He wasn’t sure she was pulling on her ear. Oh, like kids always play with their earlobes like that!! Sheesh.” [are you getting bored, yet? I am; stay with it though; it will be worth it].
“So I called Dr. Michaels. I just felt better, you know. What if she’s sick or has an ear infection. So I couldn’t find the number; and of course, our internet was down. I had to look it up in the phone book, which Steve had been using to prop up his CPAP machine. So finally I called. But of course, it was 12:45, and the office closes for lunch from 12:30 to 1:30. Great. Who takes an hour for lunch and completely closes down the office. [we’re getting there; stay with me]. When I worked in the City, I took like 20 minutes, maybe a half hour for lunch, and I answered my phone during that time. Absolutely. My boss would absolutely freak if we ‘closed shop’ for an hour.” She took a breath.
“So I left a message. Did they call me back? No. I swear that office has the nastiest desk. Thank god I love Dr. Michaels. Sometimes, I think that the quality of the doctor is inversely proportional to the quality of the support staff. The crappier the staff, the better the doctor, and visa-versa; you know what I mean?”
I began to answer her question. “Sure, but…”
She cut me off. “So I call again at ten to one; they have an appointment available with Alphonse, the nurse practitioner. He’s a nice guy, but he’s not a doctor, but let’s face it, this is not brain surgery. Brit’s either got an ear infection or not.” So we go, and of course, because it’s a weekend, there’s a million sick kids in the waiting room, coughing all over Brittany. I don’t let her touch those germ infested toys they have in the waiting room.” She came up for air. [we’re almost there].
“Then we’re in the room with Alphonse for a whole 6 minutes. He looks in her ear, says he’s not sure, but he gives me a prescription for Amoxicillin. By the time I filled the prescription, the day was shot.”
I think there should be a law that makes it is illegal to give more than a paragraph worth of facts for any situation which we’ve all experienced countless times. I would have described the same scenario if it was my kid, as follows: “Ear Infection, Pediatrician, Amoxicillin.” If someone said those 4 words to me, I would know the whole story. Maybe not all the details, like the name of the doctor/nurse practitioner, or how many times you had to call in order to make the appointment, but I get the gist. I’ve lived it. Many times. Maybe we should develop a number system:
- Ear Infection, Pediatrician, Amoxicillin
a. Beach, Parkway Traffic
b. Family, City/Brooklyn or Long Island, BQE or Belt, Traffic
c. Broadway Show, Lincoln Tunnel, traffic
3. Returned item to mall, took forever
a. No more in my size
b. No receipt; store manager is an idiot/nasty/downstairs in Ladies’ Shoes
c. Cashier dropped out in 3rd grade
4. Anything to do with getting anyone on the phone
a. They never call me back [who does?]
b. None of the automated options fit my situation
c. I can’t get a representative, even when I repeatedly shout “Representative!”
a. I get crappy service
i. On Tennent Road
ii. in Jackson
iii. every time I need to make an important call
b. I can’t sync my iphone to my Outlook Contacts
c. My ‘Droid won’t play my music
d. I can’t open my calendar
e. Siri hates me
I tried this out recently with my friend McGillicudy. I gave him the “Playbook” the night before so he could study it.
How was your weekend ‘Cudy?
"It was crazy, nonstop. On Saturday, I had a 2B, and while stuck in traffic, Justin started coughing, so I’m figuring I gotta turnaround for a 1. So I tried to call the doctor, but I had a 5(a)(iii) and a 4(a) basically at the same time. Five minutes later, Justin stopped coughing, but we’d already turned around, so we just headed for the beach. We had a little 2(a), but not so bad. The weather was great and we had a great time. Sunday we went to the mall. 3(a), 3(b) and 3(c)."
That saved me about an hour.