My first mistake was asking her how her day was.  She started with yesterday morning.

“Yesterday, Britney woke up a little strange; you know, how, as a mother, you just know when they’re not being themselves. She’s usually such a happy kid. She didn’t eat well, and you know Britney -- she can eat.   Just like her mother.  The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, you know?  [I know what you’re thinking: too much detail; now you know how I felt].   Later, I think she started to pull on her ear.  I had Steve take a look at her.  He thought she seemed fine.  But he doesn’t know her like I know her.  He wasn’t sure she was pulling on her ear.  Oh, like kids always play with their earlobes like that!!  Sheesh.”  [are you getting bored, yet?  I am; stay with it though; it will be worth it]. 

“So I called Dr. Michaels.  I just felt better, you know.  What if she’s sick or has an ear infection.  So I couldn’t find the number; and of course, our internet was down.  I had to look it up in the phone book, which Steve had been using to prop up his CPAP machine.   So finally I called.   But of course, it was 12:45, and the office closes for lunch from 12:30 to 1:30.  Great.  Who takes an hour for lunch and completely closes down the office. [we’re getting there; stay with me].   When I worked in the City, I took like 20 minutes, maybe a half hour for lunch, and I answered my phone during that time.  Absolutely.  My boss would absolutely freak if  we ‘closed shop’ for an hour.”   She took a breath. 

“So I left a message.  Did they call me back? No.  I swear that office has the nastiest desk.  Thank god I love Dr. Michaels.  Sometimes, I think that the quality of the doctor is inversely proportional to the quality of the support staff.  The crappier the staff, the better the doctor, and visa-versa; you know what I mean?”

I began to answer her question.  “Sure, but…”

She cut me off.  “So I call again at ten to one;  they have an appointment available with Alphonse, the nurse practitioner. He’s a nice guy, but he’s not a doctor, but let’s face it, this is not brain surgery.  Brit’s either got an ear infection or not.” So we go, and of course, because it’s a weekend, there’s a million sick kids in the waiting room, coughing all over Brittany.  I don’t let her touch those germ infested toys they have in the waiting room.”   She came up for air. [we’re almost there].  

“Then we’re in the room with Alphonse for a whole 6 minutes.  He looks in her ear, says he’s not sure, but he gives me a prescription for Amoxicillin. By the time I filled the prescription, the day was shot.”

I think there should be a law that makes it is illegal to give more than a paragraph worth of facts for any situation which we’ve all experienced countless times.  I would have described the same scenario if it was my kid, as follows:  “Ear Infection, Pediatrician, Amoxicillin.”  If someone said those 4 words to me, I would know the whole story.  Maybe not all the details, like the name of the doctor/nurse practitioner, or how many times you had to call in order to make the appointment, but I get the gist. I’ve lived it.  Many times.   Maybe we should develop a number system:

1. Ear Infection, Pediatrician, Amoxicillin
2. Traffic

a. Beach, Parkway Traffic

b. Family, City/Brooklyn or Long Island, BQE or Belt, Traffic

c. Broadway Show, Lincoln Tunnel, traffic

3. Returned item to mall, took forever

a. No more in my size

b. No receipt; store manager is an idiot/nasty/downstairs in Ladies’ Shoes

c. Cashier dropped out in 3rd grade

4. Anything to do with getting anyone on the phone

a. They never call me back [who does?]

b. None of the automated options fit my situation

c. I can’t get a representative, even when I repeatedly shout “Representative!”

5. Cellphones

a. I get crappy service                                                               

i.  On Tennent Road

ii.  in Jackson

                  iii.  every time I need to make an important call

b. I can’t sync my iphone to my Outlook Contacts

c.  My ‘Droid won’t play my music

d.  I can’t open my calendar

e.  Siri hates me

I tried this out recently with my friend McGillicudy.  I gave him the “Playbook” the night before so he could study it. 

How was your weekend ‘Cudy?

"It was crazy, nonstop.  On Saturday, I had a 2B, and while stuck in traffic, Justin started coughing, so I’m figuring I gotta turnaround for a 1.  So I tried to call the doctor, but I had a 5(a)(iii) and a 4(a) basically at the same time.  Five minutes later, Justin stopped coughing, but we’d already turned around, so we just headed for the beach.  We had a little 2(a), but not so bad.  The weather was great and we had a great time.  Sunday we went to the mall.  3(a), 3(b) and 3(c)."

That saved me about an hour.